Saturday, June 6, 2009


Maybe if I just go back to bed and pull the covers over my head I can pretend this past 2 weeks never happened.

No luck.

No matter what I do, time keeps marching on and I feel like I've been left in the dust. Everyone else gets to keep on keeping on, and I feel like I'm frozen in time. Why?

There really is no answer, but I can say this much: the single most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with is having a miscarriage. It's kind of a taboo subject, people don't really talk about it. But, once you talk, women appear out of nowhere who have also experienced it. So, I'm dedicating today's blog to letting it all out. Not many people in my life know, but I've been so moody and unpredictable that I just need to figure out a way to balance everything. So here goes.

I found out I was pregnant on May 12. This, my friends, was a complete surprise. When the pharmacist tells you that antibiotics decrease the efficacy of birth control pills, it's no lie. Chalk that up to a lesson learned, lol. Anyhow, my first emotion was complete shock. Then terror set in as I realized that I now had to tell my husband, who repeatedly told me that he wants another baby, just not yet. Resignation followed, this was going to happen, you know? Finally, little threads of happiness started to weave through me. Another baby! Exciting! Sami will be a big sister, how cool! I very cautiously started thinking about the future. A couple weeks went by, things were good. I was exhausted, check. Moody, check. Nauseous, check. Sore boobs, check.

Then came the spotting. I had a lot with my daughter, so I didn't worry too much. Until it started happening every day. Then almost every time I went to the bathroom. So, I called the doctor. Started to really worry. Bloodwork showed levels lower than expected. This is not good. They rushed me in for a sonogram. Not good at all. Basically, the doc told me that he had no answers. It was one of two things...either I was not as far along as we thought, or it was a miscarriage. Come back next week for a follow up sonogram. As soon as I got home, mother nature answered that riddle for me. Heavy bleeding and cramps. Great. Well, at least now I know where I stand.

At least I don't have to go for surgery. My body seems to have taken care if it naturally. I'll find out on Wednesday for sure. So that's where I am. I'm actually doing better...and telling my story is quite cathartic. I know women who have had much more horrible experiences, so I feel lucky that it was this early and complete. It still sucks though.

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